battle 4–day 2–cucumbers

Cucumbers are boring me. My Monday night cucumber meal was such a success that it really was a hard act to follow with a vegetable as boring as the cucumber. Like, this one time we discovered a vodka made with huckleberries, and I was like, huh, who knew huckleberries were even a real thing? Apparently they are a real thing. But then I thought, could they possibly be any better than they are right here in my hand in this bottle of vodka? And I determined, no, I will never try a huckleberry any other way, they’re perfect just the way they are right here, right now, in vodka. That’s kind of how I feel about my avocado-cucumber sandwich. I just don’t think cucumbers will ever be as awesome anywhere else as they are when combined with my three favorite foods (other than chocolate cake): tomatoes, avocadoes and cheese. Wow.

huck vodka

So in my book, according to my rules, that means I win. I ate them and liked them, more or less. But let’s just say sometime in my life I go to a party or a restaurant or something, and cucumbers are mixed in with a veggie platter or they’re on my salad, or…. this has happened a lot: cucumbers instead of pita bread are served with hummus (why do that?…I like the bread…I’ll even toast it and cut it into triangles for you at my house). So, let’s just say one of those things happens instead of my dream choice, which would be the avo sandwich every time I come within a hundred yards of a cuke. If I refuse or pick around them because, eh, then…I kind of lose. And we can’t have that.

So, ugh, to remedy this most unfortunate situation, last night I went to a Thai place in Decatur on Melissa B.’s recommendation because they had a spicy beef salad bowl with cucumbers and none of my other favorites (well, except tomatoes…and beef, I would say beef is pretty darn near a favorite). At the last minute David suggested I add some sushi just in case I didn’t like the salad. And then we both felt the earth move. What the? Do you think? Do I have to?? And then I….AAAAGH…or maybe it was a AAAACK…..or a GASP (it was more like a gasp)…… I have been ordering sushi sans cucumbers as long as I’ve been eating, sleeping, breathing, loving, devouring, worshipping sushi; is it possible that from here forward I just might be able to, might have to order sushi without saying, “86 the cucumbers”? I stood there stunned. I had never even considered this horrible possibility. I quickly went through my memory bank of items I like but don’t always eat with other foods. Ah, OK, great, here’s a good example: I love peanutbutter. I love steak. And one time I put peanutbutter on a steak. I don’t always do that. In fact, I don’t ever do that, it was just the once and I probably wasn’t sober. Nevertheless, I think what this means is, I don’t have to ever eat cucumbers in sushi. Phew. What a close fucking call.

The spicy beef salad bowl was super boring. The cucumbers didn’t necessarily have a negative impact on the overall taste of the meal, the whole thing was boring, so I can’t really fault them; they’re just guilty by association. So I’m voiding last night’s battle with regular cucumbers and calling a do-over. Mulligan. And I’m going back to the basics since that’s all anyone ever does with this rat bastard vegetable anyway. I’m going to dip it in some hummus, goddammit.


So,  last weekend, as we were wrapping up cucumber week and heading into zucchini week, I went to a party at Consummate Supporter Christa’s house. The main event of the party was a guacamole competition I’d been looking forward to all summer, mostly because it was my idea, and by “my idea” I mean someone else came up with it and I immediately agreed that we should do it, but also because I make the world’s best guacamole according to me. According to the other competitors and the judges, I make the 6th best guacamole in Decatur.

Here’s where I think the judges went wrong. They were drunk. Christa found this awesome, awesome organic cucumber vodka and contributed it to cucumber week, knowing that would win them for sure, because how can a cucumber ever be more perfect than when it’s in vodka (?), and we devoured it.

Cucumbers+vodka+asshole judges=skewed results. I demand a re-vote.

cuke vodka

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7 thoughts on “battle 4–day 2–cucumbers

  1. Go to Ted’s and have their cucumbers. It’s like a cross between a cucumber and a pickle. Or, more accurately, it’s a pickle before it becomes a pickle but after it’s already been a cucumber.

  2. Do cucumbers even have any real nutritional value? I like them as a transport for ranch dressing, but I can honestly otherwise live without them. They are boring.

  3. yeah, they’re pretty boring. i just use them to transport hummus or ranch. can’t say that i’ve ever cooked with them, and i cook a lot.

  4. Uh, you weren’t sober. I can assure you. I wasn’t either…and why would we be, really? We were like 20. In fact, you may have had a little glass of jager and big glass of water next to your filet and pb. It is a real possibility. And the very classiest table setting. (which cup do you use for jager?) BUT, that was 10 years ago.

    “And, uh, could you, um, 86 the figs?” An actual quote from you at your favorite Watershed.

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